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To the Person I Didn’t Listen To

1.25.2019

You were drunk

You were hopeful

You wanted an answer that I wasn’t giving

I should have just told you how I felt

You just wanted attention

I didn’t want to make things awkward

We’re friends

You loved me

 

I told myself a lot

In order not to be mad at you

Because I was taught that

Anger is a toxin

Best to not store it on the shelf

It’ll poison the whole shop

I didn’t get to learn what to do with anger

Because it shouldn’t have existed in the first place

So when it existed

I molded it into a clay

Made sadness out of it

Made fear out of it

Made shadows that haunted me

So it didn’t catch flame

And chase after you

 

It’s not the first time it happened

Of course

I’m somewhat of an expert

At shaping anger into shame

At knowing that fear and love

Are more than just friends

I’ve seen them married

I’ve seen them divorced

I’ve seen them fuck

Pull my hair and push me against the wall

I’ve seen them tremble in my voice

As I tried to explain to him

That I was sorry

Anything to make it stop

Until I learned that sometimes

It’s better to just stay quiet

 

So I stayed quiet

You got drunk

You told me you loved me

I laughed it off

You’d find me later

However many shots it took

To find your palm connecting

With my cheek

Where you wanted your lips to be

The more it happened

The harder it became

I could feel the anger, the fear, the love

 

You put your hands where his had been

Said dance with me

Gripped and pulled me onto you

Every muscle froze

Wishing the music would freeze

Wishing time would freeze

But it didn’t

You pulsed against me

Held me there

Moving as I stood still
I was the only thing in that room

That was frozen

 

I hate you for that

I just cared about you

Too much to say it

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